I am going to start our story with “The Plan”. That’s how it works right? You make a plan and then it happens just like you thought? For some this might be true, but for us, it is laughably untrue. Steven and I married when I was 19 and he was 26. We were young yes, but so deeply in love. When we were dating we dreamed of our future life together, like many young couples. In these dreams it always included babies, lots of babies! We talked of names, age separation, gender and what traits we hoped they got from each of us, all the best of course. We knew we should probably wait to start a family because of our ages(mainly mine) and thought it couldn’t hurt to save a bit before a baby came. The plan was to start to try when I was 24. That would give us 5 years to just be together, and we thought that was perfect. So when that 24th year came, we were excited! It also just so happened that one of my closest friends was going to try at the same time. Yay! We planned on our babies being best friends and were excited to go through pregnancy together. Well, they were blessed with a pregnancy just a few months later, and although I was genuinely overjoyed for them, the pressure was on. It was then that our “lets start trying” attitude turned into “what’s taking so long?!?”. I laugh now that those few months felt like such a long wait to me, but to tell you the truth, the wait was never easy, even then.
I think it’s safe to say I became a tad obsessed. Those who know me, know I tend to be a bit high strung, with anxious qualities. For a person like me, the wait and the lack of control was maddening! Oh, don’t get me wrong, I tried to gain control, in every way. There was a schedule, a temperature chart, and other things that would probably make you uncomfortable, so I will spare you for now.
At this time I also became an expert on pregnancy symptoms. How you ask? Well there is this thing called Google, aka: the place where people like me go to search and obsess over every little twinge or pain that could possibly be a pregnancy symptom. The mind is a very powerful thing, because Im not lying when I tell you that I had every pregnancy symptom in the book, almost every month. Social media is another great way to torture couples going through infertility with the baby announcements and ultrasound photos. My heart would actually skip a beat whenever another one was posted. Usually to couples who got married years after us and were a lot younger. It was hard not to feel the injustice in this. My head knew that this wasn’t about me, and that we had a different story, but my heart grew heavier each time.
This craziness continued for over 3 years, it was sad, it was hard, and I do not wish it on any couple. We lived these years in confusion. What do we do next? When do we do it? How far are we willing to go? However, With the support from our friends and family we made it through. We truly are so thankful for those times they listened to us, and prayed for us and cried with us. There was even a season when we stopped talking about it, because I was embarrassed to continually bring it up and ask for help. But they didn’t let me, they took our burden as their own. It was in these moments we saw what it meant to live in community. We needed them, and they were there. We love and appreciate all of you, and you know who you are 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to read this. Looking forward to sharing more!