The title of this next entry reflects how we felt both physically and mentally when it came to the medicinal side to our infertility. About 6 months into our “trying” I felt anxious to know what was going on, and didn’t want to wait a year to see a doctor, which is the recommended amount of time they say to wait before coming in. (My impatience is one of my less admirable qualities and I can barely go to disneyland due to the maddening length of lines). I took a deep breath as the doctor scooted me out of the office and said to give it 6 more months. She said she was sure everything was fine and that we were a healthy young people who shouldn’t have any problems getting pregnant.
Well 6 months went by and I was given referrals to see specialists but for some reason I was procrastinating on it. It took us about 2 years to complete all of our procedures. As I look back on it now, I think a part of me was trying to listen to all the people in my life who said “Just relax and it will happen”. I also felt a tug on my heart to let God’s timing rule out, and was wrestling with that and the choice to pursue the quick fixes the world was offering.
In my “I’m over this” moments during these years I would go to the Dr. for the next step in testing. I had every blood test you could imagine, some of which cost a small fortune. I had some incredibly invasive procedures done that included a small tube making it’s way into my uterus to fill it up with a dye that caused me incredible pain and cramping. This procedure is called an HSG, and it is one that many infertile woman have done in order to see whether or not their fallopian tubes are open and able to empty in to their uterus (my apologies to the guys for saying uterus so many times, hehe). When the procedure was complete they sat me up and told me that the incredible cramping was due to the fact that my left tube was blocked and they weren’t able to move the dye through. The unexpected feeling I then felt was relief, finally some kind of answer.
I took this information to my doctor who said you only need one working tube to get pregnant, it just might take longer. So he put me on a drug called clomid to stimulate ovulation. I was ovulating fine it seemed, but this was the next step. This drug made me feel like my ovary was the size of a basketball. I tried this for 3 months and nada. They say trying it longer than that can actually cause your uterus lining to thin, making carrying a baby harder. So wait, the thing I’m doing to get pregnant, can potentially make it harder??? WHAT THE?? Anyway, after that we stopped for awhile again, and just let be. And when I say “let it be” I mean as it appeared to the outside world. My head and heart never stopped. I was putting so much pressure on myself every month to do the right thing to get the right result, and man was it exhausting.
I have to say that my husband was pretty great during all this. For all those guys out there in his situation, I feel for you. I know that it is a helpless place to be in and you aren’t quite sure what to say all the time. Sometimes I would look at Steven looking at me during one of my “bad days” and I could see that he wasn’t sure if saying something would send my head spinning into a fit of tears or if it would help. I’m laughing as i’m writing this because, I am thinking how I can never see my “crazy” more perfectly than when I see it in his face. Man I’m lucky to have him 🙂
I would have never thought I could endure this kind of thing whilst keeping my sanity, but I have to say there was peace that saved me in the darkest of times. A peace that came from knowing I have a God who is sovereign over my life, and ordains every day of my life. I can praise him in the hardest of times, because I know the big picture. He doesn’t promise this life will be free of pain and trials, but he does promise me joy and peace knowing that His plan is perfect. Even when it looks nothing like my own. Through this trial my walk with the Lord has grown and deepened, and that is something to rejoice over.
I can’t wait to share what happens next! Till then 🙂
“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith-of greater value than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 1 Peter 1:6-7